


To love, is to let go. To be in love, is to hold on.

by Katgotyourtongue



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Familial Bonds, GinHiji - Freeform, GinHiji Endgame, HijiMitsu get the closure they never got in canon, Love, M/M, Mitsuba supports GinHiji :), Moving On, Past Relationship(s), dealing with past feelings, finding closure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:01:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26082370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katgotyourtongue/pseuds/Katgotyourtongue
Summary: "I love you."Hijikata froze.He opened his mouth, hoping to repeat the words, willing himself to open his heart up to the man that chose to open his first, "I…"He choked. The words wouldn't come out. Why wouldn't they come out?"It's okay," Gintoki shushed him, "you don't have to feel the same."Gintoki says the dreaded "I love you", and Hijkata struggles to say it back. The Yorozuya boss starts to question their relationship.Also, the Shinsengumi quarters are haunted again?!---------------Where Hijikata finds closure and embraces the future.
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Okita Mitsuba (Past), Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki
Comments: 26
Kudos: 153





	1. to love, is to let go

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my gosh wow look at this I decided to tackle writing a fic that ISN’T rated explicit hahaha *looks at the measly 2 (now 3) fics in my works page*. 
> 
> I’ve been thinking about this fic for quite some time. I’m currently still writing an au, but this one was haunting my thoughts, so here we are.
> 
> This is somewhat canon compliant, though I may have taken some liberties with certain characterisations based on my interpretations of them. 
> 
> I don’t want to spoil too much, so I will leave most of my thoughts behind this fic in the final chapter.
> 
> Updates every few days. I hope you enjoy! <3

"I love you." 

Toushirou froze. 

He and Gintoki had been seeing each other for a few months now. 

Sort of. 

They had never actually talked about whatever the thing was between them. 

It started out with bumping into each other at the bar, that turned into not so random meetups, that turned into a drunk kiss on a lonely night, that turned into many sober kisses on not so lonely nights, that turned into unspoken dinner and movie nights and late night walks that ended in either one of their beds. 

They didn't talk about it or acknowledge what they felt and Toushirou had been perfectly fine with that arrangement. 

Until now. 

Gintoki had looked slightly nervous the whole night, and had even paid for dinner this time, which in hindsight, should have sounded the alarm bells in Toushirou's head. The two men had just finished their dinner, and were walking back down the lonely road when Gintoki suddenly grabbed and kissed the life out of him next to a dimly lit street lamp. 

They had broken apart to catch their breaths, and just as Toushirou was about to dive in again, Gintoki dropped the three words. 

The moment he heard the words, he froze, and found himself unable to look into hopeful red eyes. 

He should have seen it coming. He knew what they had was always more than some random hookups, he knew he felt...something more. 

But.

Toushirou opened his mouth, hoping to repeat the words, willing himself to open his heart up to the man that chose to open his first, "I…"

He choked. The words wouldn't come out. Why wouldn't they come out? 

"It's okay," Gintoki shushed him, "you don't have to feel the same." 

Toushirou felt his heart sink at the resigned smile on the man's face, the faint glimmer of light in the stunning red eyes had faded out.

But he still couldn't repeat the three words.

He was saved when a loud noise interrupted them. The trash can had been kicked over. 

Was there someone watching them?

The two men stared at the trash can suspiciously, fear slowly building, their heart starting to pump as they heard movement behind the can. 

A figure suddenly jumped out from behind and Hijikata almost fell backwards from the shock.

"Mrreow" 

A cat. 

"Tsk. Damn cat." 

"Are you scared? Is the demon vice-commander of the Shinsengumi scared of a cat?"

"Shut up. Don't think I didn't see you shaking in fear."

"Gin-san was shaking in excitement. Who is afraid of ghosts? Not Gin-san."

"Yeah?! I'm not scared! Spirits don't exist. Only idiots like you believe in them."

"Yeah! Wait did you just call me an idiot?!" 

"You are the one who started talking about gh-ghosts first."

"Hah! You can't even say the word ghost without stuttering! Who's the one really afraid here?! YOU!" 

Hijikata's eyebrow twitched and he geared up to start another one of their pointless bickering. 

It was like the moment earlier never happened at all. 

* * *

"Danna."

"Souichiro-kun."

"It's Sougo. Hijikata-san is training in the back."

"Who said I was here for that mayora?" 

Sougo just looked at him, "Then who are you looking for?"

"...Hijikata."

Sougo smirked. 

"It's not like that! I'm just here to collect payment for helping him buy all that mayonnaise during the time sale that's all."

"Whatever you say, Danna."

"Tsk," Gintoki turned to walk away.

"Danna, did something happen between the two of you? Hijikata-san has been different lately." 

Gintoki stiffened.

"No," the Yorozuya boss replied without turning back, "nothing changed," and walked away. 

* * *

At the training grounds, a strong wind blew past, and Toushirou felt a soft breeze rush past him. 

For just a moment, he felt warmth surround him in the cold breeze.

* * *

"...Ah!..Gin...Gintoki.. I'm close!"

Gintoki thrusted hard into the writhing body below him a few more times as he reached his own high and collapsed on top of Toushirou as they caught their breaths.

"...get off, you're heavy."

He heard Gintoki groan in exhaustion as he used all his energy to pull out and roll off to the side. 

Toushirou closed his eyes and was about to fall asleep when he felt a soft kiss on his forehead and heard the whisper, "I love you." 

His heart twinged. Toushirou wanted to say it back so badly, but instead, he pretended to sleep until he heard soft snores fill the room.

He opened his eyes once he was certain that the other man was asleep. 

Huh. Odd. 

He could have sworn that they had thrown their clothes off in haste, but now all the pieces of clothing had been neatly placed at the side. 

He ignored it, too tired to think about what that meant and closed his eyes again.

* * *

The Shinsengumi had just wrapped up their meeting to discuss the course of action on some joui activities that they had received a tip-off on.

"Does anyone have any other matters to bring up? If not we're done here," Hijikata asked.

Yamazaki jerked up, looking like he had something to say but didn't dare to speak up. 

Toushirou twitched in annoyance when he noticed the movement. 

"Oi Yamazaki," Yamazaki jumped when he heard his name called by their demonic vice-commander, "Whatever you have to say just spit it out. I can see you twitching in the corner and it's pissing me off."

"Umm...er...we...I mean the men have been talking about it, and we...we think that the Shinsengumi quarters are haunted." 

"Nope."

"But Fukuchou!"

"No."

"Haven't you heard the weird noises and sounds of footsteps outside our rooms at night?"

Of course Hijikata had heard them. Except he had heard them _inside_ his room.

"Rats."

"The men have reported hearing a woman sing past midnight."

Yes, he had heard that too. He had also heard someone whispering unintelligible words into his ear, but he had refused to open his eyes.

"Probably rats screaming."

"Don't you think it's weird that all our chores have randomly been done and none of us remember doing them! I found all my clothes ironed and in my room before I even collected them!" 

"...household rats."

Kondo tried to speak up, "Toshi, maybe we shou-"

"HOUSEHOLD. RATS."

"..."

"Yamazaki, call the exterminator. Meeting over."

* * *

Hijikata felt his blood pressure rise.

"Oi Yamazaki, I thought I told you to call the exterminator. Why are the three idiots here? And why are they here so late at night?!"

He pointed at the trio in front, two of them picking their nose lazily and the third was just standing there.

"My my...Hijikata-kun needs to learn some respect. Yorozuya Gin-chan are very talented exterminators. We can exterminate anything."

"Exterminate yourself first." 

"Hijikata-san, if Danna is exterminated, who else is going to **** your **** and ***** your *** ****?" 

Gintoki wrapped an arm around Hijikata's waist, "That's right Hijikata-kun. You will miss me on those lonely nights and wonder why Gin-san's **** isn't ******** you."

Hijikata's face turned bright pink, "S-Sougo! Commit seppuku now! Seppuku!

"And you!" He turned to Gintoki, "Don't act like you're the only one who can-!" 

He stopped when he saw Gintoki's face shut off, and felt the arm around his waist disappear.

Shit. He hurt the man again. Why couldn't he shut up before saying these things? Of course Gintoki was the only one. After Mitsuba, Gintoki was the only one. So why did he continue to make it seem like he didn't care?

There were so many things he could say to save the situation and bring the light back into the dull eyes, yet, he always struggled to speak when he needed to the most.

He had also struggled to talk to Mitsuba when she was here, and now he would never get to speak to her again.

The awkwardness broke when Kagura looked at Gintoki and Hijikata in disdain, "Adults are disgusting." 

Shinpachi sighed, "Why don't you just show us where the rats are?"

"We don't know where they are," Sougo said.

"What?"

"We don't even know if there are rats. We heard footsteps and a woman singing, and all our daily chores have been mysteriously completed."

"...and you thought they were rats?" Shinpachi's eye twitched. 

"No. Only Hijikata-san thinks they're rats."

"Ahh well, if there are no rats then Yorozuya Gin-chan can't help you. Sorry, bye!"

"Are you scared, Danna?"

Gintoki paused and turned around stiffly, "No, of course not. Gin-san is never scared of-of-"

The sound of a woman singing surrounded the air. 

Gintoki's and Hijikata's face paled. 

"Let's split up and look for the source. Shinpachi, you go with Yamazaki. China, you come with me."

"Ehhh why do I have to go with you!"

"Because that's how we're always paired up in canon. Kondo-san is busy stalking your sister, so I paired up the two extras instead." 

"We already know, you didn't have to say it out loud, Okita-san," Shinpachi sighed as he walked over to Yamazaki.

The four of them left, leaving their trembling bosses behind.

"M-Maybe we should stay here and just guard the entrance. To make sure no one enters of course, not because it's easy to run out" Gintoki said.

Hijikata was about to agree when they heard scuffling noises from the entrance to the quarters.

The sound got louder…

and louder…

and louder...

The second they saw a silhouette at the entrance of the Shinsengumi quarters, Toushirou felt Gintoki grab his hand and the two of them _ran._

"Actually I change my mind! Let's just check the rooms!"

* * *

They ran in the direction away from the noise and the singing, and ended up at Hijikata's room. They entered and slumped down on the floor, catching their breaths.

Toushirou noticed that Gintoki was still holding his hand, he didn't want to let go. 

Gintoki noticed Hijikata looking at their hands and pulled his hand away.

Neither said anything about that moment. 

Toushirou shook himself out of the disappointment from the loss of Gintoki's warmth. 

"Honestly, this isn't really the best place for us to hide."

"What?"

"...I've been hearing footsteps in my room. And random whispers in my ear."

"What?"

"When you came over the other day, I wasn't the one who folded our clothes, you know."

"WHAT?" 

"Is that all your tiny brain is capable of saying, you moron?" 

"We shouldn't have come here then!"

"YOU were the one who dragged us here!" 

Gintoki grabbed Hijikata's shoulders and shook him. "You didn't tell anyone about someone walking about in your room at night?! What if it was someone dangerous?"

"What is wrong with you? Isn't it better for it to be a living person that I can cut down instead of some...some...instead of the alternative."

They shuddered at the thought of "the alternative".

* * *

A few moments passed in complete silence. No singing, no footsteps, no random figures shrouded in darkness. 

"Hey, maybe we should go and find the others," Toushirou said and prepared to stand up. 

When he stood up, he felt a hand grab his. He looked down to see red eyes looking up at him.

"Toushirou, can we talk? Please?"

Toushirou stopped.

"What are we? What am I to you?" Gintoki continued.

Toushirou inhaled sharply, "What?"

He knew exactly what Gintoki meant. 

"I thought I could do this, pretend that we have something more when it's one-sided. Everytime we meet it always ends in sex. But I don't have anything else to offer you and I can't pretend forever. It will only hurt us both. I need to know, what are we?" 

"So you want to end this?"

"What? No! I just want to know what this means to you!"

Toushirou wanted to answer him. He desperately wanted to tell the man that it was never just sex. That Gintoki had given him so much more. That he didn't have to pretend, that it was never one-sided. 

His heart was crying for him to speak those words out loud.

_Say it. Three fucking words. Why couldn't he say it?!_

He thought of sandy hair and reddish brown eyes, a woman whose heart he had broken many years ago. The woman who never got to hear the same three words.

Did Toushirou deserve to fall in love with someone else? How could he give himself to someone else, when he denied that to Mitsuba? How could he selfishly accept another person and be happy when Mitsuba would never get the chance to find love again? 

He looked at silver hair that shone in the moonlight, and desperate red eyes, willing him to say something, still giving him one last chance to save what they had. 

Toushirou thought about how he was going to break the heart of yet another person who had the misfortune of falling in love with him.

If you love someone, you have to let them go.

"Yorozuya," Toushirou started, "I can't give you what you want. You're right, we're just hurting each other. Let's end this."

"Wait-!"

"Just leave."

Gintoki's shoulders slumped and he dropped the hand holding on. Toushirou immediately felt cold.

The Yorozuya boss stood up and left. 

Toushirou suddenly felt tired, all energy drained out of him. He slumped to the ground again in exhaustion. 

Without his consent, tears started streaming down his face.

He hated the cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See the tags? See that happy ending tag? It’s still there. I promise it won’t disappear. 
> 
> Gintoki is a little more expressive than expected in this fic, but I decided to take some liberties with that just to avoid this being a slow burn 30+ chapter fic, so instead, I made Hijikata extra emotionally constipated to make up for it lol. 
> 
> Feel free to let me know what you think and see you in the next chapter! 
> 
> \--------------------
> 
> For fic updates:
> 
> Follow me on Twitter: [@curiouskatxx](https://twitter.com/curiouskatxx?s=09)
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr: [katgotyourtonguexx](https://katgotyourtonguexx.tumblr.com)


	2. to hold on, or to let go?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gintoki’s heart hurts.

* * *

Gintoki slowly walked back to the entrance of the Shinsengumi quarters. 

He felt numb. 

Maybe a ghost would pop up right now and drag him to the depths if he was lucky. Anything to not have to think about losing Hijikata.

Fuck, he knew it was a terrible idea, but he needed to know. He couldn't pretend that Hijikata was his forever. He couldn't delude himself into thinking that the man loved him back forever. 

He couldn't keep holding on to him if Hijikata decided to leave one day. 

He wanted to though. Gintoki's heart squeezed and he held his hand to his heart, afraid that if he let go, it would fall out of his chest. Oh, he so desperately wanted to hold on to ~~his~~ Toushirou so badly and never let go. 

But he couldn't. Not if the man he loved didn't want him to hold on. 

Gintoki thought about the kids waiting for them in front, wondering how he was going to tell them what happened. 

He knew how much Kagura and Shinpachi adored Hijikata, even if they didn't say it. Everytime Hijikata ended up spending the night at his place, the next morning was always perfect. He would restock their kitchen and prepare breakfast for all of them before forcing Gintoki and Kagura awake. Even Sadaharu got special treats when Hijikata stayed over. 

Kagura always complained that Toshi was annoying with all his mayo taking up space in their fridge, but Gintoki knew she felt well taken care of whenever Hijikata placed a bowl of rice in front of her with saba fish and warm miso soup for breakfast, and have a whole pot of rice cooked and ready for her endless number of servings. 

She had slipped up once and said, "Thank you, Mummy."

They had all frozen, but then Hijikata had just silently ruffled her hair and continued fluttering around the house to get ready to leave as though nothing happened. Gintoki had caught Kagura's soft blush and tiny smile as she bent her head and started to inhale her food.

On the rare days he stumbled awake before his ass was kicked out of bed, he would sometimes find Shinpachi and Hijikata conversing silently. He had heard Shinpachi tell Hijikata about his father and the dojo, and how he felt like he wasn't strong enough to protect his family, the others were always protecting him.

He couldn't hear Hijikata's response, but he remembered seeing the boy looking more confident and determined that morning, and he had also started spending more time with his sword.

Gintoki sighed and looked up at the moon. The kids would be heartbroken when they found out that Hijikata would no longer be a regular presence in their household because their plan had not gone the way they hoped. 

They had all worked together to put up this whole farce of a ghost in the quarters to create a chance for Gintoki to talk to Hijikata.

The Yorozuya boss had drunkenly admitted what was happening to Sougo and the kids one day; about their undefined relationship, the "I love you"s that were always met with silence, that everytime they were finally alone in a private space, they ended up having sex and not confronting their feelings.

Gintoki had tried to have a proper conversation with Hijikata about their relationship many times in the privacy of either of their rooms, because he knew the other man would completely shut off if he brought it up in public, but a Toushirou with sex on his mind was relentless.

He would pull Gintoki on top of him or climb into his lap the moment they found some privacy, leaving no room for serious conversations. Of course, the Yorozuya boss was still a man who couldn't resist when the beautiful man he was in love with was desperate for him. 

Gintoki had also wanted to pretend just a little longer. 

After listening to his depressing whines, the two Yorozuya kids and Sougo had decided that the knuckleheads needed to talk in a private space without the intention to have sex.. 

They were all convinced that Hijikata loved him back and that all he needed was a chance to confront his feelings.

That plan turned out to be creating rumours about some ridiculous ghost in the quarters and scaring them into privacy. 

If Gintoki hadn't grabbed Hijikata and run, the vice-commander would have realised that the figure at the gate was just Kondo in a wig.

When they were finally alone, he hesitated starting the conversation with Hijikata right up until the man stood up to leave.

In the back of his mind, he knew how that conversation was going to end, he had even imagined all sorts of scenarios in his head to prepare for it, but it still hurt. 

There was an irrational part of him that had held onto the hope that Hijikata felt something more for him. 

It hurt to have that tiny flame of hope crushed. 

His heart was crushed.

* * *

Gintoki saw the others waiting at the entrance.

Sougo spotted him first, "Where's Hijikata-san?" 

"He's…resting." 

"Oh," Sougo said and looked over at Kagura and Shinpachi, "I guess they didn't talk. He looks worse than before. Next time we should-"

"We ended it."

"..."

"I'm sorry Gin-chan, we thought…" Kagura sounded like she was about to cry.

"No, it's not your fault. I knew how that conversation would go. We both knew and kept avoiding it. If anything, you helped to stop us from hurting each other even more," Gintoki said and ruffled her hair before pulling both her and Shinpachi into a hug.

"Thank you both." 

He would never let his precious kids feel bad for his broken heart. 

Sougo turned away from the trio and looked towards the direction of Hijikata's room. 

_ You broke my sister's heart once, are you seriously doing this to someone else now, Hijikata-san? You really are a rotten man.  _

_ Why can't you just let her rest already? _

* * *

Toushirou jolted up from his tears when he felt warmth surrounding him. 

That was also something that had been happening a lot.

He always felt comforted, as though someone was actually hugging him. That someone who he imagined as Gintoki.

Huh. Imagining air as the Yorozuya idiot? He really hit a new low. 

Toushirou reached into his pocket and grabbed his cigarettes, lighting one up. He inhaled and leaned his head back, finding comfort in the smoke filling his lungs.

* * *

"By the way, how did you guys enter Hijikata's room at night without getting killed?" 

"Huh?"

"His room. Did you really have to enter his room and whisper in his ear? And why did you do his laundry? That's creepy. He might have actually killed you all if he wasn’t such a scaredy cat you know." 

* * *

Toushirou closed his eyes again, relaxing in the warmth from both the smoke and the air.

The air surrounding him started to get even warmer. Toushirou frowned. 

Wind started blowing in his room, messing up the papers on his table. 

He could see through the window that there was no wind outside.

Then, he heard it. Unintelligible whispers fluttering in and out of his ears. 

Fucking hell, it was happening again. He had been spending a lot of nights at the Yorozuya’s house recently because of this...this..gh-gho-strong wind.

He trembled and tucked his head into his knees, cigarette still held in his mouth, too scared to open his eyes.

Everything intensified and the door started rattling. 

Toushirou was terrified. What the fuck was going on? 

All of a sudden, everything stilled. 

There was not a single sound in the room except his own laboured breathing. He could feel his heart beating rapidly in his chest. 

Toushirou felt a presence in front of him.

* * *

"...Danna, what are you talking about? We only walked around outside his room and sang a bit. We did our own chores and pretended a ghost did it. Nobody touched Hijikata-san's clothes." 

“...”

If it wasn't them, then…Gintoki's eyes widened. 

Somebody had been entering the vice-commander's room at night and Gintoki had left him there alone!

* * *

Toushirou's heart sped up. He didn't want to open his eyes. 

Fucking hell. If it was a human, he would slice them in a heartbeat for entering his room without permission.

But he just knew that this was different. The presence felt inhuman.

He stopped breathing when he felt something stroke his hair.

* * *

Gintoki ran.

"Gin-san!" "Gin-chan!"

Sougo grabbed Kagura's and Shinpachi's arms before they could run after Gintoki, "Let him go. It's something only he can settle."

* * *

"Toushirou-san, open your eyes."

That voice. 

No.

Impossible. 

"Toushirou-san." 

Toushirou slowly opened his eyes and felt his heart stop. His cigarette fell to the ground, forgotten.

"...Mitsuba?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter and the epilogue is the reason why I started this fic. Hope to see you in the next one. :)  
> \--------------------
> 
> For fic updates:
> 
> Follow me on Twitter: [@curiouskatxx](https://twitter.com/curiouskatxx?s=09)
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr: [katgotyourtonguexx](https://katgotyourtonguexx.tumblr.com)


	3. to be in love, is to hold on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hijikata finds closure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you in the end notes. :)

* * *

_"...Mitsuba?"_

Hijikata thought he was dreaming and rubbed his eyes. Mitsuba smiled gently, "You're not dreaming, Toushirou-san, I'm here."

Hijikata scrambled onto his knees, reaching out for her desperately. Mitsuba came closer and he held onto her hand, desperately hoping that she wasn't a dream. That he wasn't going insane. 

"H-How?"

She giggled. "I can't read your mind, Toshi. Spirits who have unfinished business get one month on the mortal plane before their death anniversary every year. 

"I've spent every one of those months here with you, enough to know what you're thinking in that head of yours sometimes."

"...It's your death anniversary tomorrow."

Shit, how could he have forgotten something so important? He visited her every year, but this year he was so caught up in Gintoki that he had forgotten. 

"Mm. Tomorrow, I will leave again."

Then he remembered what she said earlier— _Unfinished business_.

"Mitsuba...am I-are you here because of me?"

Mitsuba’s face softened. She knelt down and cupped his face gently. He leaned into her touch. 

Toushirou looked up into the beautiful russet eyes that haunted his memories. The hopeful young woman who shyly confessed to him and he had left her behind. The kind and trusting woman who had almost married a man who saw her as nothing but a tool. The gentle soul who had done nothing to hurt others and everything to help them, but was cursed with a weak body and an early death. 

The beautiful woman who he had hurt, and didn't stop hurting until she died. Yet, here she was, holding him so gently and looking at him with neither anger nor resentment, but with love in her eyes. 

He felt himself tear up again at the thought that he didn't deserve this selfless love. 

Toushirou looked at her as she wiped the tears from under his tired eyes and ran her fingers lightly over his lips that were reddened from chewing on them repeatedly.

"Toushirou-san, love, what have you been doing to yourself?" 

"Mitsuba, I'm sorry," he choked, "I'm so sorry."

He leaned into her hands as tears started running down his face again. 

"I should have told you. I should have told you the truth the day you told me. I should have never let you leave this world thinking that I didn't love you back. I declared my love for you to a bunch of people about to kill me, but I couldn't face you in your last moments."

Hijikata took a breath, "I love you, Mitsuba. I love you so much."

Finally. He finally said it to her. 

"But you are no longer _in_ love with me."

He stopped breathing and looked away, the sick feeling of guilt rising in his gut again.

Hands moved to stroke his hair, "Breathe, Toushirou-san. Look at me."

He let out the breath he had unconsciously been holding and looked back up at her.

Mitsuba continued once she was certain that Hijikata's attention was on her, "Is that what you think about me? That I would want you to hold on to your guilt? That I would want you to stay unhappy for the rest of your life, chasing away anyone who loves you back? Do you think I'm cruel enough to want that for you?" 

"No! No, Mitsuba, please, I-"

A soft smile played on her face. "I've seen you with him, you know? Sakata-san. I've seen the sparkle in your eyes when you're with him. You bicker like an old, married couple. He's special, I can tell. You've never looked so alive, not even with me."

Toushirou opened his mouth to speak, but Mitsuba placed a delicate finger over his lips.

"Let me talk, I only have a few more minutes left."

His eyes widened as he turned to the clock, it was 10 minutes to midnight. To Mitsuba's death anniversary. 

10 minutes until she left again. 

Her eyes and smile turned distant, like she was lost in the past.

"I've always known. Back then, when I confessed, I knew you loved me back, even when you told me you didn't. I know why you left me behind, Toushirou-san, and I never blamed you for it.

"Would I have been happier with you? Yes. But I would have also worried for you and Sougo everyday. I don't think my heart and my health could have taken seeing either of you come back hurt. 

"Living everyday, wondering if my husband and brother will come back home alive...I knew that wasn't the life you wanted for me," she paused, and looked straight into his eyes as she continued,

"I was happy when I came to Edo and saw you and Sougo for one last time. One look and I knew that you still loved me, that was enough for me." 

"Mitsuba, I will never stop loving you," Toushirou cut in. He had to say it. It was important that she knew.

"I know. I will always have a place in your heart. But the place I hold has changed, hasn't it? Someone else has taken over the part of your heart that loves endlessly." 

He couldn't answer. She was right. As time passed, Toushirou had fallen more and more in love with Gintoki, and Mitsuba had taken up less and less of his heart. 

Mitsuba will always have a special place in his heart, just like how his mother and brother and Kondo-san and Sougo had their own places in his heart.

But she no longer held the helm of his heart. That place was now Gintoki's.

"I didn't reveal myself today to remind you to love me. I'm here because I can't sit in the shadows and watch you hurt yourself even more," she looked at him firmly. Her eyes were blazing and determined, reminding Toushirou that Mitsuba may be a gentle soul, but she was still Sougo's older sister, and anyone who could raise and tame Sougo was a force to be reckoned with. 

"Stop feeling guilty about someone who is already dead and stop hurting the one who is still alive any further. You haven't answered my question, Toushirou, someone else has taken over your heart, right?"

He was desperate to apologise again. To apologise for falling in love. "I'm sorr-"

"Don't ever apologise for falling in love. Don't be sorry for falling loving me, and don't _ever_ be sorry for falling in love with him. 

"Toushirou-san,” she looked at him with an unreadable gaze, “you can't be in love with a ghost forever."

He inhaled sharply at her words.

 _You can’t be in love with a ghost forever._

A ghost. A spirit. Dead _._ Mitsuba was dead. Gone. She was really, truly gone. 

Gintoki was alive, and he had hurt him because he couldn't let go of the dead.

"I'm not stuck in this world because I want to remind you to love me. I'm here because I want you to find happiness."

Mitsuba gently wiped the tears that stained his cheeks again, looking at him expectantly, eyes filled with kindness.

Toushirou looked at her as she patiently waited for his answer, and thought about Gintoki.

_I really have a type, huh? Beautiful, kind and sacrificial. And I hurt them both._

He lowered his head, ashamed at how he had hurt Gintoki and had lost him now, "Mitsu...I'm in love with him. I'm so in love with him that I can't breathe and I told him to leave. I messed up again, and I hurt him. I hurt him so much, Mitsuba. Even if he loved me before, he probably hates me after I broke his heart." 

Mitsuba smiled, looking proud at his confession. She hugged him closer.

"It's not that easy to stop loving you, you know? I've been watching the two of you, and I have seen the way he looks at you, the same way you look at him. Tell him what you told me. Let yourself love. Let yourself be loved. 

“That's the last thing I want from this world."

Mitsuba closed her eyes and rested her forehead on his, cupping his cheeks. 

"If you are in love with him, hold on and don't let go."

Toushirou's breath hitched at her words. 

_Hold on to him._

His eyes drifted to the clock, five more minutes to midnight. He looked at her, frantic, grasping onto her shoulders, afraid that she would disappear.

She couldn't leave yet! There were so many things for her to do. Sou-Sougo would want to see her. The men would want to meet her. He wanted for her to taste her favorite spicy crackers again, for her to travel, to visit the village again, to live a life not bound by feelings for any man but for her to do what she wants, to-to- 

_He wanted her to get another chance to live._

But Mitsuba was dead. And the dead can only rest. 

Mitsuba looked at him as though she could tell what was running through his mind and wiped his tears. 

"The past 3 years I've been back, I was so happy to see everyone doing well...to see my baby brother happy. To see Kondo-san and everyone happy. To see you falling in love again. Seeing you joy makes me happy. 

“I love you so much, and I will always love you, Toushirou-san.

"But I no longer belong in this world. I need to rest."

Toushirou held on to her tight, realising that this was it. They had found their closure and had spoken the unspoken words held close to their hearts. 

This was truly the last time. 

He hugged her tight, burying his face in her neck and sobbed, knowing what was coming next.

Mitsuba stroked his hair softly with one hand, leaned her head on his and wrapped her other arm around his back as she said,

"If you love me, you will let me go."

* * *

The clock struck midnight. There was no alarm or bell, but Toushirou knew when Mitsuba's touch started to fade. He lifted his head up from where it rested on her shoulder and scrambled to his feet as she stood up.

"No..wait, it's too soon! Sougo-" 

"He doesn't need to. You're the one I have unfinished business with." 

Mitsuba looked towards the door, "Sakata-san, please take care of him for me?" 

Toushirou's eyes widened when Gintoki walked around the corner, looking like he was caught red-handed. Which he was.

Had he been there the entire time?

"...should have known I can't hide from a spirit…" Gintoki mumbled. 

Gintoki walked up beside Hijikata, glancing at him briefly with a soft smile, silently confirming that he had heard every word.

Toushirou stiffened, afraid of his reaction, but Gintoki just held his hand, holding it tight without looking at him. Toushirou relaxed, knowing that Gintoki was assuring him that his feelings for him never wavered. Not even after Toushirou tried to end it earlier that night.

They always had a way of silently communicating like that, even if neither acknowledged it. 

Toushirou immediately leaned into the man and entwined their fingers. He would not let go this time. 

Gintoki looked straight into Mitsuba's eyes, unwavering, as he said, "I promise to take care of him for the rest of our lives."

She smiled at him, satisfied, "I know you will." 

Mitsuba turned her attention to Toushirou again, "This is the last time I'll be here, I can feel it. Before I go…just once..."

Mitsuba held Hijikata's face and kissed him straight on the lips, ignoring Gintoki's indignant cry in the background. She smiled as she pulled away from a blushing Toushirou. 

She smiled teasingly, " _Now_ my business is complete. I've always wanted to make you blush like that again." Pointing towards Gintoki, she said, "Introduce this lucky man who gets to see this every day properly to me, okay?" 

Mitsuba was glowing now, her smile was bright, beautiful eyes kind and filled with joy, she looked the healthiest and the happiest she had ever been, "It's time now."

For the last time, she took Toushirou's free hand and looked directly into the beautiful blue eyes that she had fallen in love with.

All at once, it was like they were back in their home village once again, just the two of them, where she had once confessed to him.

But this time,

"Goodbye, Toushirou-san, I love you."

For the last time, Toushirou looked into the soft russet eyes that he had once been in love with and guided her hand over his heart, 

"I love you too. Goodbye, Mitsuba." 

With that, she smiled and walked away, fading into the distance. 

The room fell silent. 

After a moment of silence, Gintoki started, "So-"

"I love you," Hijikata interrupted, looking up at the other man with beautiful blue eyes glistening with all the tears he shed that night. "I'm in love with you. I love you so much and I'm sorry I hurt you. I knew I was hurting you, and I kept doing it over and ov-"

"Shh," Gintoki placed his free hand over Toushirou's mouth, "It's okay." 

Toushirou pulled Gintoki's hand away from his mouth, "It's not okay!" 

Gintoki stared at him, confused. 

Toushirou continued, "It's not...it's not okay, Gintoki. _I broke your heart_. Yell at me, argue with me, fight me, do something, anything! Don't just let me hurt you and forgive so easily." 

Toushirou continued, "You are always so quick to protect those you love," then he jabbed a finger at Gintoki's chest, right above his heart, "but you don't protect your own heart from us." 

"Please Gintoki," Toushirou felt like he was going to cry again, "please don't let me break your heart again. Please don't treat yourself like you're less deserving of love, because you deserve it more than me. More than any of us."

Toushirou felt tears escape his eyes again. Damn it, why was he crying so much today?!

He felt a soft touch brush away his tears and cup his face. Toushirou looked into loving red eyes as Gintoki captured his lips. Toushirou closed his eyes, letting himself get lost in the other man who treated him so gently after everything. It was the softest kiss they had shared, one that wasn't driven by sexual tension, but one that was driven by a desperate need to be close, a need to convey all their pent up feelings through that kiss. 

Toushirou thought he could be happy just kissing Gintoki like this forever.

When Gintoki pulled away, Toushirou pouted at the loss, looking at the other man with kiss swollen lips, silently begging Gintoki to kiss him again.

"It's not like you to express your feelings this much. We're supposed to be the emotionally constipated characters you know?" Gintoki teased, as he wrapped Toushirou in a warm hug. Toushirou held him back without hesitation.

Gintoki continued, "I don't think I can ever stop loving you anymore, I'm in far too deep for that. It was enough for me to love you from a distance, you know? I'm just lucky that you love me back."

_Again, why did Toushirou always fall for the kind and selfless ones? And why did they love him back?_

Toushirou leaned his head onto Gintoki's shoulder and mumbled, "Idiot, you deserve so much more than that."

He felt Gintoki smile as Toushirou nuzzled into the man's neck, feeling sleepy. Too much had happened that night and he suddenly felt as though all his energy had been zapped out of him. 

"Take me to bed," Toushirou ordered.

"Oho, now that we have resolved our feelings, is it time for the love making scene?" 

"Tsk, idiot. I mean sleep. Let's just sleep. I'm tired," Hijikata leaned his weight into Gintoki, knowing the man wouldn't let him fall. 

"At least walk to your own bed," Gintoki complained, but he still carried Hijikata the short distance there. He gently placed his vice-commander on the bed before getting up. The man wrapped around him like a koala, refusing to let go. 

Gintoki smirked at the clingy vice-commander, “I’m not leaving, I just need to get comfortable. Or is that not allowed now?” 

Toushirou just huffed and released his hold. 

Gintoki quickly removed his yukata and shirt and got back into bed. They wrapped their arms and tangled their legs around each other. Toushirou closed his eyes.

Before falling asleep, Gintoki kissed Toushirou's forehead and said, "I love you." 

This time, Toushirou didn't pretend to be asleep, and mumbled, "I love you too," as he held on, silently promising to never let go again.

_To be in love, is to hold on._

* * *

**_Epilogue_ **

Toushirou held a bag of spicy crackers as he walked through the cemetery. He walked past rows of graves before finally coming to a stop in front of one. 

_Okita Mitsuba_

He placed the packet of spicy crackers down as an offering. A bouquet of flowers was already there and the grave was cleaned, looks like Sougo has already visited.

"Mitsuba, I want to introduce you to someone."

Gintoki stepped out from behind and stood next to him. Toushirou took his hand. 

"You've already met him, but this perm head is Sakata Gintoki." 

"Oi, why is that my introduction?" 

"He's the boss of the Yorozuya at Kabukicho. He doesn't really do anything and spends most of the day lazing around, spending all his money at the Pachinko parlour and creating trouble. He also eats too many parfaits and drinks strawberry milk at his age and is on the road to getting diabetes if he doesn't control himself. He's annoying, argues with me all the time and makes me pay for everything."

"...is this really how you talk about Gin-san to others?" 

"He has two kids, adopted. Not officially, but they somehow ended up at his place and he takes care of them like they're his own—even if they eat too much and bring trouble with them. 

"He can never leave someone who needs help behind. He gathers people around him because he always sacrifices himself to help others. He may seem like he's rough around the edges, but his heart is kind and his soul is pure. Everyone who has met him can't help but love him. 

“I can't help but fall in love with him."

Toushirou felt Gintoki's hand squeeze his. He squeezed back. 

"Mitsuba, this is the man I'm in love with now, and the man who is in love with me.

He took a breath as he steeled himself for his next words.

"I'm ready now. I'm ready to let you go. You deserve to rest, not dragged back to this world once every year to follow me around. Thank you for knocking some sense into my head last night."

He gripped Gintoki's hand tight.

"This will be the last time I visit."

He smiled, and thought about the part of his heart that held his mother, brother, and all those he loved throughout his life, the part that now held Mitsuba too. 

"I love you, Mitsuba, so I will let you go." 

Toushirou let out a breath, heart at peace. 

He nudged Gintoki to address Mitsuba.

The man in question just crouched down and ripped open the packet of spicy crackers, stuffing one into his mouth. 

"Oi! What are you doing?! That's Mitsuba's offering!"

Gintoki continued to eat the crackers until he couldn't stand the spiciness and stood up. 

"I promised her that I will take care of you for the rest of our lives, so I'm just collecting my payment."

"She better not be dragged back here again just to curse your stupid ass." 

Gintoki held the grumbling Toshi's waist and kissed his temple. 

_I love him and I promise to hold on to him, Mitsuba-san._

A wind blew past, ruffling their hair and clothes. Strong enough to cause even the two men to sway in the direction of the wind.

"Let's go back, I think a storm's coming," Toushirou said.

"Yeah."

They turned around, hands entangled, and walked towards the exit. 

If the couple had not been so engrossed in each other and listened a little harder, they would have heard a soft, gentle whisper carried by the howling wind.

_Thank you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Full edit on twitter](https://twitter.com/curiouskatxx/status/1299967807304523777?s=19)   
>  [Full edit on tumblr](https://katgotyourtonguexx.tumblr.com/post/627857140554563584/edit-for-the-final-chapter-of-my-fic-to-love-is)
> 
> To be honest, I had this whole vision in my head where Hijikata lets go of Mitsuba and holds onto Gintoki etcetc, but I can’t draw, neither can I edit seamlessly, so y’all get another shitty edit that I made using a free trial of photoshop haha sorry I got too excited with the filters.  
> \-------------
> 
> Ah, where do I begin? 
> 
> I started writing this because the scene in this chapter and the epilogue kept haunting my thoughts. Though I edited it so many times and as someone who always found it hard to express feelings and thoughts into words, I’m not sure if I managed to convey what was in my head. But I hope some of it got through. :) 
> 
> This is my love letter to the Mitsuba arc, to give them the closure they never got, and it is also a love letter to Gintoki’s and Hijikata’s relationship that started to strengthen even further from that arc.
> 
> Rewatching the Mitsuba arc to write this was a tear fest, but I also realised that if you squint, there are a few parallels between Mitsuba’s relationship to Hijikata, and Gintoki’s relationship to Hijikata. 
> 
> Love. I am in love with how Gintama treats the subject of love sometimes. Love between friends and family. Familial love between those not related by blood...or just..undefined love. I think the innocent love that Kagura has for Gintoki and Shinpachi shows that very well (Valentines arc etc..).
> 
> In this fic, when Hijikata says that he loves Mitsuba, it is no longer the kind of love that it once used to be, but rather, a familial/sacrificial love, the same way he loves all the others he keeps close. 
> 
> Hijikata is now in love with Gintoki. True love, romantic love, whatever you want to call it. I personally think it’s hard to define types of love with words, but you know what I mean. 
> 
> Mitsuba is Hijikata’s first love, and Gintoki is his last, and greatest love. 
> 
> Mitsuba is his past, and Gintoki is his present and future. 
> 
> I hold this headcanon close to my heart when it comes to my love for HijikataxMitsuba and GintokixHijikata. 
> 
> I gave Mitsuba a hint of a teasing/stronger personality here, because I think we do see a bit of that in canon, where she trolled Gintoki into eating that spicy parfait. Also, she raised Sougo. Enough said hahaha. 
> 
> Sorry for the lack of sexy times in this one, but it didn’t really feel right here, so I’ll leave it up to your imagination heh.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you liked this and feel free to let me know your thoughts.
> 
> P.s. In case you’re wondering, Mitsuba definitely watched Gintoki and Hijikata doing the dirty (and she definitely enjoyed watching her blushing Toshi get wrecked lel). 🤭
> 
> \--------------------  
> For fic updates:
> 
> Follow me on Twitter: [@curiouskatxx](https://twitter.com/curiouskatxx?s=09)
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr: [katgotyourtonguexx](https://katgotyourtonguexx.tumblr.com)


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